this beer tastes like vomit already
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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