I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
