She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
