I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
did you just send me my own nude
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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