1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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