your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Semen is not good for contacts.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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