I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
