What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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