Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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