Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
