there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.