My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
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Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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