Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
