I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
