i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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