i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just high enough for therapy.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
God, I missed his penis.
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