Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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