matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
