Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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