I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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