I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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