Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
