Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
