my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
