Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
