can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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