Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize