I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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