At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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