I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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