just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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