Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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