is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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