So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
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