do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
