i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i drank out of a bidet.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
