its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
