it was like his penis was on wheels.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
