Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
