Can i not drive my cunt home
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
