i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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