I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Everclear isn't food dammit
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
