It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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