i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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