I can tuck mytits in my pants
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
