can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
