I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
