porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I touched a dick in church today
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
