community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
