you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
