Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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