I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
