Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Let's get the cat blown out
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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