You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
