come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
