who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
