I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
