i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
