Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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