i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
