on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize